. Actually I once created an internet poll and literally 99% of responders said that they were either honest no matter what the cost or at least “mostly” honest. As much lying as I see in today’s world, I tend to wonder if people are being honest about being honest. Or perhaps they aren’t sure what being honest means? Here are a few topics for discussion. Read through them and then post your response.
- You are having a crummy day. You see a friend at the store. Your friend says “Hey, how are you?” and you reply “fine.” Isn’t that technically a lie? But on the other hand, you don’t really want to go into detail about why you’re not fine, and surely your friend doesn’t want to hear about it either.
- Your spouse, parent, child or friend spends an hour or so cooking you dinner. It tastes terrible. “Do you like it?” they ask. What is your response? Should you lie?
- Your spouse, parent, child or friend puts on an item of clothing and asks “Does this make me look fat?” Yes. Yes, it does. But what do you say?
- Your co-worker introduces yo
u to someone that you did not want to meet. You smile and politely say “nice to meet you.” But is it? Sure you’re saying the polite thing, but is that lying? - You receive a birthday or Christmas gift that you just hate. The gift-giver is looking at you, earnestly awaiting a reaction. “Thanks! That’s so cool,” you say. Uh-huh. Sure it is… LIAR!
Is there a line between being polite and being honest? Does being polite precede honesty? What do you think? When is it okay to lie and when is it not? What do the scriptures teach us and how does that tie into all of this?
3 comments:
In each of the situations, a lie can be avoided by saying something other than the expected. As mom always says to me, you don't have to answer every question.
1.“Hey, how are you?” and you reply “fine.”
When I'm not well, I don't answer "fine", I tend to answer with something such as "I'm surviving," or "I'm not dead." That way people who don't know me, or don't care can enjoy the lame joke, and people who do know me, or care, can prod for more information.
2. “Do you like it?” they ask. What is your response? Should you lie?
I would consider constructive criticism in this case, or finding those few things I really do like. "The peas were great, I really like the pepper you used on them. The carrots were a little bland, but I bet with a little cinnamon they could spice up really well!"
3. “Does this make me look fat?”
There are two responses for this one. The risky approach is to remind her of the Chris Rock (I think) joke. "No, honey it doesn't make you look fat. You ARE fat" Or put it back on her with a follow up, "That's a lose-lose question, there is no right answer to such a question, and I don't appreciate being put into that situation."
4. You smile and politely say “nice to meet you.” But is it?
A few other polite things to say are "Hello, Howdy, and How are you?"
5. “Thanks! That’s so cool,”
Uh-oh, I'm going to give away my secrets for this comming Christmas. How about, sticking with "Thanks!" or if you really do care about the other person's feelings try to find something about it that you do like. "Thanks, I never considered a paper-mache bird feeder before, but I bet I could find a use for it." (Yeah, like cleaning up spills around sink).
In reality, I remember a number of gifts that I've received in the past that I didn't really think that much of when I got it, but I still love them today, a lot more than I would have thought. I try to keep those things in mind when I receive gifts that I didn't really want.
I look at it this way...
To most people, the line between honesty and dishonesty is a very thick gray one. My opinion, it is not. It is either black or white. If someone asks you a question, do you have to answer it honestly, or do you have to fudge the truth not to hurt feelings, or do you even have to answer the question at all. I have become a master of answering a question I feel needs not be answered with another question (ie Why do you want to know? Does it really matter? What will it accomplish? etc...) or I will say I don't feel that needs an answer, or I don't feel we need to discuss this. Does it mean I'm being dishonest...not at all. I'm being 100% honest. The english language is a tricky thing. With the slang we have now, people can say one thing and mean something completely different. You have to think things through carefully. "Think fast, talk slow!"
Honesty also has a huge amount to deal with the reception end. Is leaving out information lying? It is if the conclusion of the other was false. Answering a question with only part of the truth (which is still 100% true) but leaving out enough to create false images in the minds of others is a deception (lying is part of deception). This world is full of miscommunication that goes unclarified, and allowing deception to ingiltrate levels greater than we could imagine.
When someone says they are honest, I tend to believe them. I'm a firm follower of the innocent til proven guilty form of trust. I belive generally people are trustworthy and honest. But if someone said they were 100% honest all the time, I'd laugh at them. We all have stretched the truth a bit to prevent hard feelings, complications, or a smack (in the case of "does this make me look fat"). This is one instance when I feel "everyone's doing it" is a true statement. I personally have answered the question "how are you" with "fine" when I was running a fever of 102, had a major delinquency in debt payment, had gotten in trouble at work, and was in deep crap with my parents. Was I fine, not really, but people tend not to care, its just a courtesy thing.
I love answering the question "Does this make me look fat?" with a very sarcastic "Holy Cow, you look like the Goodyear Blimp." That could be considered a lie (i said something not true), but I say it such a way that hopefully it is perceived as not being serious.
Aaron nailed when he said you don't have to tell everything, just tell enough that those who really want to know more, those that really care, will be able to tell and can then ask for more. Other questions can be answered honestly with tact as well. "Does this make me look fat?" "Well, it's not the most flattering thing i've seen you in, but what about..." and finish with a suggestion of something you know they look good in. It will undoubtedly be safer than, "Yes you look fat."
In this day and age complete honesty is tough, but something we should all strive for.
OK Here is the answer to your questions...
A tactful person has already thought about and prepared responses for all manner of sensitive interactions that may occur. So when the occasion arises they have a tactful, vague but honest, response that sounds sincere. For instance: you meet a person you didn't want to meet so you say "I'm glad to meet you." or "It was good to meet you." instead of "It's nice to meet you." That way you are honest, and you are glad to have had the opportunity to see them face to face - that gives you more information about them that can fill in the gaps you had about how they looked or interacted with others. Information is good. Think of all the possible interactions and start practicing them with your dog, or someone who won't feel offended, until you have the ability to pull it off smoothly and convincingly.
About the general level of honesty one has-- ask those 99% totally honest people if they ever drive over the speed limit or if they neglected to report all the gifts they were given during the year and include them as income. Have you ever tasted the grapes at the grocery store knowing full well that you are supposed to pay for them first? That is stealing - not very honest if you ask me. My take is that those who tell themselves how honest they are probably stick their heads in the sand and claim that everything is just fine here.
Post a Comment